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Thursday, May 17th, 2007
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10:33 pm - ok...what was wrong in all this?
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im really not sure what im about to write, so i'll just go with the flow, even thou i know im gonna regret to have written this, as always.
I really think that i should be writing this in spanish cause im sure i wont be able to express myself properly when i really lack of english emotional expression presicion.
I remember one time when i was in berlin, i was having this emotional stress in my head, not precisely about love and not having someone to care about next to me, but about lots of subjects regarding family, friends, and most of all, about myself and the way i think about what i feel, what i should feel and what is the right thing to feel.
What really really helped was stamping little notes, like reminders on the walls sorrounding my bed, so everytime i woke up, i had to look at them and read them, and eventually i would come out with a great answer....said and done...i was amazed about how effective that method was..i it really helped me going through all that emotional shit.
Had a really short conversation 10 minutes ago, and im in the same situation, but worst...maybe.
So i decided to start the process once again, only that now i cant do that stickers thingie again, but still just writting those ideas in a simple piece of paper gave me the tranquility to rethink the things i just said and the things i will say to feel that i am ready to move on with some thigs in my life.
Maybe if i rewrite some of them here it may work in a different way.
"Care about you and your feelings first...then care about the rest."
"if you're happy, enjoy it. If you already have something, enjoy it too. but never be greedy for what you dont, or for what u never had"
"there's nothing wrong about taking chances"
"time solves lots of problems, but true it's also the cause of many of them"
and one of my new favourites
"the person you have been happy with, it also has been happy with you"
so the question is..should i really feel im a bad person for taking a chance instead of waiting for the one i was really waiting for?...or that i THINK i was waiting for?
noone can tell you or take control of what you are...that's something you and only you have to figure out by yourself.
LEARN, dont cry about what you cant fix. use it.
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| Friday, December 15th, 2006
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12:21 am - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
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Have you ever thought about thoughts before? i mean, not like memories but like the meaning of them. This may sound almost ridiculous but i've been thinking about what do you become when you dont have your thoughts. Are you really yourself if you dont have a part of what made you be yourself?
Sometimes i feel i should get rid of some thoughts in order to move on with my life, but then i remember how happy i was with some of them...and that i couldnt feel happier in lots of them.
It makes me sad sometimes that cause i was really happy and complete, i cant feel the same right now, but maybe that's part of the life. Feeling happy and sad should be a part of a process that i would maybe understand later.
Also, it reminds me that someone who ask me once if it was ok to do that thing in that moment cause she/he was afraid to be hurt or hurt that other person who was so important to her/him...and i said something that i still dont know where it came from but i feel i was right even thou im now completely convinced..: "if good moments come along with bad ones...i'll take all the bad moments i can"...and specially if those happy moments turn into unforgettable ones.
You should never regret things, and you should never feel like a memory will hurt you...it'll make you.
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| Monday, December 11th, 2006
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10:56 pm - hey y'all
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o, it's been a while since last post, and this one is more like a review from this last semester.
At the end, all the effort and suffering lived through this past months is worthy due to my grades. To be honest, i never saw it coming. I though this would be the hardest semester ever...and it was, but with an unexpected happy ending.
It's really sad that my whole life during the academic period turns around the uni, but it is what it is and im happy anyway that i could relax myself thinking on the days i didnt sleep in order to finish some homework properly, and i feel...i dont know...but at least im not stressed out hehe.
So, now, somebody tell me "what the fuck should i do now that i have so much free time???"
Anything'll do!
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| Thursday, November 16th, 2006
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10:18 pm - about engineering...
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If you know me, you'll certainly reaffirm that im always complaining about how much work do i have at uni or complaining about my academic decision of studying this fucking career...Therefore, for the first time, i guess i'm doing all right.
It may sound bad, but one of the things about studying something, besides the whole vocational thing and blah blah, is precisely money.
So, a few days ago, checking up the newspaper i found some recent study about salaries and i found out that electronics engeneering is heading the list.
number 1 baby, yeah!! hahaha well that is in a 5 years experience period where you may earn a media of $1.300.000 which is about USD 2.370 a month.
Please for the ones who live outside chile, that's not so few...i would expect more anyway, but im happy with this new. So, if you guys have some job offer anywhere and you are willing to pay me more than that, call me. hahaha
see y'all soon.
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| Sunday, November 12th, 2006
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11:54 pm - im back
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ok, it has been a while since the last post, and im not longer mad with handball.
Finally we went to the nationals, we had such a great time but we didnt win.
In fact...we sucked, we lost all 3 games and with no good handball at all, so we better start practice harder. The good part is that after the 1st game (in which i played just 10 minutes on the 2nd half, and got injured :S) i talk to my coach finally about the problem, and i got the confidence back and went back to be part of the starter team....yay me!!! i rule! hahaha.
Anyway...still this kinda sucks, cause im beeing my teacher's slut over here. Working almost 24/7 even for some subjects that i dont really give a shit, but that i have to go through to end up with this far-from-amusing-and-fun career.
I ate ostrich meat the other day...and eggs too...it was amazing, but almost too much...it's like 25 eggs in one....no cholesterol almost and really yummy (for those who doesnt want to follow an eggless diet). But the most important part...c'mon as if you havent noticed...an OSTRICH!! haha
Andrea...good luck in Puerto Rico...send some fruit...or whatever giannis has in his pocket :P (i bet u can imagine)^^
Czesc!!
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| Thursday, October 19th, 2006
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1:47 am - WTF...
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Sooo. hummm...What the Fuuuck is going on here?!?!!?
One year ago, i remember beeing the captain of my university handball team. This week we played the qualification round for the nationals, and now...well, i can understand not beeing the captain anymore, and maybe not beeing that important for the team cause there are some good new guys, but what really pisses me off and i dont get is why the fuck am i sitting on the bench and seeing no minute on the field anymore?!??!! " games so far, and my ass is plain already for sitting on the bench sooo long.
Wasnt i suppose to have played there in germany to improve my skills and give a new touch to the team...yeah right! the new bench cheerleader.
Coach, you can kiss my ass!!!
One of the things that always kept me away from my continuous stress level is the active participation that i always had in sports...at school for the regional basketball team, the soccer team that we and some of my friends founded and kept for 4 years more or less, and the handball crew, but somehow, that's not only relaxing me, it's stressing me even more, argh!
Im thinking now on not comming back and stealing the jersey (team t-shirt) for myself.
At least i can have a nice and not bitter souvenir, and save some money for it.
PS: way to go guys, really! congratulations for playing so damn good today. You deserve it! Good luck in the nationals.
PS: best gift: bench pillow.
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| Monday, October 9th, 2006
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2:32 am - Capisce!!!!
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Is it true that a year of spare time does affect your neurons?
I hope not, but maybe im starting to feel the effects.
3 days and i still cant solve the fuckin' problem!!
I dont want to study this anymore! i wanna learn by osmosis :S
heeeeelp!!!
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| Monday, October 2nd, 2006
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8:29 pm - Aaarrgghh!!
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Even thou im not supposed to be writing this right now, im taking these few minutes to calm down and not fall into desperation, like i used to.
Ever since i'm at the university, pretty much everything works around it, and when you forget some really important paper at home when u have a deadline, then you freak out...but when u realize that u havent even done that paper cause your head is in some other place and you spent the whole weekend teachin' maths to make some extra money or playing mario 64 to keep your head away from thinking anything, you really come to question yourself...WTF!! i guess the only thing i have to do right now is concentratin on my school, and im not even doing that!
So...yeah...any comment accepted. Even if it's just a "fuckin' moron" one.
Oh! and also...i shouldnt be telling this, but, to make it ever more funny, i can barely sit on my own ass...no weird thingies, just a football "soccer" game where i put i little too much of hard defensive work, and i ended tackle-sliding an opponent in a dust and stone field...(with a lot of tiny little stones, that are still stucked in my buttcheek) hahah shit happens i guess....and we ended in a boring tied game 0-0.
I'll better go to do something about it...like killing myself.
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| Thursday, September 28th, 2006
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3:34 pm - A part of Berlin
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The last few days have been really stressing. Through overrated college work, and few hours of sleep, i havent been able to get a good rest...im not talking about a berlin-type resting time (which means a whole week of scratchin my balls sometimes), im talking about only a few hours of laying on the couch and watching some movies or going out for a while to have more than a couple of beers.
Anyway, i cant complain. Im fulfilling my nearly goals, which is not much, but at least im keeping my head busy just as i expected to from the beginning.
The fun part: last Tuesday we were invited (with the DAADies) to some kind of ex-scholarship holders meeting. It was very "interesting" at first, attending to an latin-america - european economic integration presentation that lasted one and a half hour :S:S:S:S But seriously i learned a lot from it.
Of course the best part was the meal. We were taken to some peruvian not-so-cheap restaurant where i could meet a lot of important people (notice that i say important people cause i dont know who they are, and cause they were old....really old....and german...most of them....even bill murray...yeah, he was there...or at least that's what we thought after a couple of glasses of wine)
Anyway, i talked, for a very short time with the new german DAAD teacher. It's like the new Nadja (the one that we had over here while we were trying to learn some german) and soon were gonna meet to share some experiences about berlin and stuff...hope so :P
Well, if i cant go to Berlin again right now, at least i can enjoy a little of berlinity over here right? c'mon! that counts too!
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| Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
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12:59 pm - wating room...
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After a long talk with my friend Andrea, about how thing may work out for all of us in the next years (i mean "us", the people who went to germany with me, or everyone who feels what im sayin'), i came to the conclusion that some of us are at some point destined to be what i call "worldies". Pretty much people who feel that once you start traveling you just cant stop thinkin' on the next trip cause u did realize that u were born to live like that.
The problem now is fitting in your previous life once u are back. Now it's no longer about how everything sucks and stuff, but how to feel that everything is just as cool as it was before.
Sounding like an asshole is an important subject too. You have to learn somehow to show to the rest that u were lucky enough to get the chance to travel around and to have now a more open mind about a lot of things that u never noticed before, without sounding that u are above the rest or that "mine is better that yours" cause surely is not....just different...well maybe just a little bit hehe just kidding.
So from now on i'll do my best to enjoy every second, real time, without losing the goals that i have now....learn how to wait without fall into desperation or desiliusion. No matter what you do with your life, dont do anything that could make you feel later that it could have been better done!
There are no waiting rooms...there's always something important to do.
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| Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
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7:27 pm - independence day
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Just like since the last 4 years, i havnt been able to enjoy or celebrate the national day as it is supposed to. Funerals, germany, and family stuff are the main causes...but this year was a little bit different because of my cousin's trip.
It was really nice to have almost all of my cousins together, it was really cool and funny...but once again i've lost the "ramadas" with my friends..anyway...always better thing to do i guess ;).
I just got a call form cristián...my cousin. He's already safe and set up there in aachen. He sounded really excited but tired thou...pretty understandable if you think on a 18 hours trip to a country you have never been into before in your life...yay! that reminds me when i first got to berlin...a rainy day..me and my broken suitcase, standing at the door of house 10 in Siegmunds Hof...awww nice memories...anyway..back in the subject.
I just got home from Santiago and im really tired...again hoping to see some new mails from some person...but no..sad...again..but im starting to think that im gonna have to get used to it.
No pain no gain??? hummm im gonna have to make some reflexions about it (should i?)
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| Friday, September 15th, 2006
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1:24 am - stuck here
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In a few hours im traveling by car to santiago to say goodbye to my cousin. I know it's always hard to say goodbye specially to a person who's like your brother in some ways and who you lived with for 5 years.
I cant say that im not jealous of him going to germany right now, cause i am, but in a good way. He'll have (i hope) the best time ever, just as i did. Of course he's going to do some important stuff there hehe.
Im also happy about him going with his girlfriend who's his fiancee right now...that's soo fuckin' cool!
Anyway...i just feel that i could tell them a loooot of stuff about Deutschland, but i guess it'd be a better idea to let them go with the flow and live a little on their own, cause, you know, the best teacher is life, and the harder the way is, the more you grow...specially as a couple.
All this, of course, with my natural traurigkeit, leads me to have more sad thoughts and painting me as a worldtraveler in the following years from now on.
Once i was said that once you start traveling around you never stop....well, i cant say its true cause i dont have the money to do it right now, but at least i cant take that idea out of my mind, and with a little bit of luck that'll help me to organize and plan some important thing really soon.
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| Thursday, September 14th, 2006
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6:46 pm - And here we go...
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First of all, i think i should apologize for starting this LJ without telling anyone and for trying to do some english writing in here.
I guess the bottom of this all is not quite clear but now i can think on 2 good reasons to do it
1.-I really need to do something in english so i dont waste the time i spent there in Berlin, talking in english....even when maybe i should have learned a little more German...but now it's kind of late, dont u think?
2.-Since i have a looot of things going trough my head right know, this is a space where i can write whatever i want and no one that i know over here would ask. (Well i guess that was the main idea of this journal, wasn't it? Plus i think i should do something to include some of my best friends (non-spanish speakers) in my new life.
Why do i say new life? Could be because even though everything is pretty much the same over here (maybe way too much the same!), i still feel that i dont fit in here anymore. It's not that im gonna do something about it right now cause i still have some school stuff to do, the idea of running somewhere else is going through my head 24/7.
For the people that know me...it's not like same old traurig tachy again. Actually im doing fine...mmm...yeah fine, but i feel that somehow a lot of me is not the same anymore. I'd like to think it is because each one of you guys took a part of me with your ;) In that way i sound like im a very giving person haha. But yeah!
I really wanted to open this LJ to fill it with ideas, but the process of signing up took all those strengths out of me right now.
See ya next time.
current mood:  melancholy
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